Teen sex onion

SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised policy-makers, public-health professionals, and 17-year-old Tom Ellis.

ST. LOUIS—Andrew Zollner, a teenage male born and raised in the U.S., has somehow developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex and human sexuality, sources close to the 16-year-old report.

BOSTON—A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things reported Monday.

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers.

A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

OMAHA, NE—A report published Thursday by psychologists at the University of Nebraska Omaha found that American teens are having less sex than previous generations, but when they do, hoo boy, you better buckle the fuck up. “Based on an analysis of youth risk behavior, we’ve seen a 20% drop in the number of high…

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who sent sexually explicit texts or photos were seven times more likely to be sexually active, indicating they don’t simply use sexting as an alterative to real sex, as earlier reports have suggested. What do you think?

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